I sit here slightly depressed because the summer has flown by in what seems like the blink of an eye. I spent the third week of July on Martha's Vineyard with my family. I have been going up to the island for most of my life but this was the first time I had spent an entire week with my wife and kids as well as my mother and step father. The kids had a good time and I enjoyed my time with them at the beach and when we took a long hike. The weather for the most part was good with an odd shower here or there and only one day of sustained rain which was a miracle given the weather this summer. What I didn't enjoy was spending time at the house with my step father. He made my adolescent years and my teenage years a living hell and he has not gotten any better. He didn't say much to me or my family during the 8 days we were on the island but his silence spoke volumes. I have not felt as unwelcome and unwanted since I moved out of the house when I was 19 years old. The kids enjoy Martha's Vineyard and because of that we will likely go back next year but if it was just me I would not set foot in that house again until my step father was gone.
Sunday is my wife's 40th birthday. We are taking her out to a Japanese steakhouse and then out for drinks. I am of course the driver so I will not be getting drunk but I really hope she does. I want her to relax and not worry about things. She suffers from health anxiety and worries constantly that whatever ache, pain, bump or twitch is a sign of some catastrophic ailment that will take her to an early grave. Each time she goes to the doctor she is given a clean bill of health and it frustrates me because I want her to be happy and not spend her days worrying about things.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Weeks Later
I guess I will follow up my primier post with a much less emotional more mundane post. Life can be funny. The ups and downs are usually like gentle waves on a calm sea but certain triggers can make you think. Two weeks ago I was staring at my 40th birthday wondering what the future held. I was meloncholy because I felt as though I had not accomplished much in in 40 years and that I had few good close friends. Neither of those things has changed but two weeks into my 41st year I am much less meloncholy.
I understand that good friends are hard to come by and I still have few sounding boards. The truth is I have messed up some friendships, others I have poorly chosen my friends. Some of my friends I just grew apart from and that happens. I will not rehash old issues, time heals.
The last two weeks have been pretty good. On my birthday I went out and got drunk at a comedy show. Klye Cease was the headliner and he was really funny. I was in the front row and I somehow managed to avoid being brutalized. I say somehow, but the truth is I am a big guy and sometimes people are afraid to say shit, not that I would have done anything but laugh if they had singled me out.
Incidently if you get the chance to see this guy do it. The show was really funny and it was exactly what I needed as I continue my march toward the great abyss. That's what life is afterall right, every day is another day closer to death. That is not meant to be morbid, in fact I see it the exact opposite, enjoy life while you are here because you never know when you won't be.
last weekend I went to Philly for the 4th withthe family. A good time was had by all. Pat's Cheese Steaks are a bit over rated. The rain wasn't bad until Sunday when we all got caught at the Taste of Philadelphia in a torential down pour.
One final note, some opportunites come once in a life time. Grab them or let them go and wonder forever?
I understand that good friends are hard to come by and I still have few sounding boards. The truth is I have messed up some friendships, others I have poorly chosen my friends. Some of my friends I just grew apart from and that happens. I will not rehash old issues, time heals.
The last two weeks have been pretty good. On my birthday I went out and got drunk at a comedy show. Klye Cease was the headliner and he was really funny. I was in the front row and I somehow managed to avoid being brutalized. I say somehow, but the truth is I am a big guy and sometimes people are afraid to say shit, not that I would have done anything but laugh if they had singled me out.
Incidently if you get the chance to see this guy do it. The show was really funny and it was exactly what I needed as I continue my march toward the great abyss. That's what life is afterall right, every day is another day closer to death. That is not meant to be morbid, in fact I see it the exact opposite, enjoy life while you are here because you never know when you won't be.
last weekend I went to Philly for the 4th withthe family. A good time was had by all. Pat's Cheese Steaks are a bit over rated. The rain wasn't bad until Sunday when we all got caught at the Taste of Philadelphia in a torential down pour.
One final note, some opportunites come once in a life time. Grab them or let them go and wonder forever?
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Introspection
Introspection
40 Years ago tomorrow a homemaker originally from England and a mechanical engineer from New Jersey had their first child. Seven years later the engineer was diagnosed with Melanoma, a sometimes deadly form of skin cancer. Where he got the cancer was open to speculation but the fact that he had been working for GE as a nuclear refueling engineer certainly may have been at least partially to blame. When he was diagnosed with cancer, the engineer set a few goals he wanted to achieve before he died. He set up trust funds for his children in order to provide them with the opportunity to get a good college education. He learned to ride a bicycle because growing up he had never done so. His final goal was to get a US President to address the commencement class of his alma mater, Kings Point Merchant Marine Academy. Kings Point was the only US Service academy that has never been bestowed that honor and the engineer wanted to show his children that one man can make a difference. Then President Gerald Ford was unable to address the Kings Point class of 1976 due to a prior engagement and in July of that year the engineer died leaving his wife and two children in suburban Connecticut. He was Thirty two at the time and seemingly had his whole life ahead of him.
My memories of my father are few. I can still recall watching him ride a Raleigh 3 speed bike around the Tabernacle in Oak Bluffs, MA on Martha’s Vineyard. I wish I had more memories of my father and I wish he was able to accomplish his goal because today, 32 years later, I am left with the feeling that one man can’t make a difference unless everything falls into place perfectly. Hard work and a good plan are not enough. I still admire my father for trying. I admire him because he knew he was dying and yet he placed others ahead of himself. I have always tried to put others ahead of me but I am not sure it has worked out quite the way I thought it would.
Tomorrow I turn 40. I didn’t think much of it as it approached but this morning I awoke at 5:00am, long before my alarm clock usually wakes me up. I lay awake in bed beside my sleeping wife and I began taking stock of my life. It wasn’t pretty. I asked myself, ‘if I was to die today what mark would I have left on the planet?’ My answer was ‘not much.’ Aside from a huge amount of waste, both refuse and biological, the only thing I have done to possibly make an impact is to sire two children. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are great but they are their own beings and the fact that I provided half of their DNA is no claim to fame regardless of what they do in their lifetimes.
At age 40 many people have at least made a difference in other people’s lives. I have not. I have contributed to the country’s gross domestic product over the last 20 years. I have approved a few loans, sold a few cars and mortgages in my lifetime but what have I really accomplished? Some people say a man should be measured by his friends. Sadly I have failed on that front too. My friends are few and far between. My friends from high school and college are mostly memories and making friends since has been either futile or wrought with poor decisions on who to befriend. The net result is that when things go awry I have no one to talk to outside of my family. My wife is great, and she is a good listener but outside of her I really do not have any meaningful friendships.
40 Years ago tomorrow a homemaker originally from England and a mechanical engineer from New Jersey had their first child. Seven years later the engineer was diagnosed with Melanoma, a sometimes deadly form of skin cancer. Where he got the cancer was open to speculation but the fact that he had been working for GE as a nuclear refueling engineer certainly may have been at least partially to blame. When he was diagnosed with cancer, the engineer set a few goals he wanted to achieve before he died. He set up trust funds for his children in order to provide them with the opportunity to get a good college education. He learned to ride a bicycle because growing up he had never done so. His final goal was to get a US President to address the commencement class of his alma mater, Kings Point Merchant Marine Academy. Kings Point was the only US Service academy that has never been bestowed that honor and the engineer wanted to show his children that one man can make a difference. Then President Gerald Ford was unable to address the Kings Point class of 1976 due to a prior engagement and in July of that year the engineer died leaving his wife and two children in suburban Connecticut. He was Thirty two at the time and seemingly had his whole life ahead of him.
My memories of my father are few. I can still recall watching him ride a Raleigh 3 speed bike around the Tabernacle in Oak Bluffs, MA on Martha’s Vineyard. I wish I had more memories of my father and I wish he was able to accomplish his goal because today, 32 years later, I am left with the feeling that one man can’t make a difference unless everything falls into place perfectly. Hard work and a good plan are not enough. I still admire my father for trying. I admire him because he knew he was dying and yet he placed others ahead of himself. I have always tried to put others ahead of me but I am not sure it has worked out quite the way I thought it would.
Tomorrow I turn 40. I didn’t think much of it as it approached but this morning I awoke at 5:00am, long before my alarm clock usually wakes me up. I lay awake in bed beside my sleeping wife and I began taking stock of my life. It wasn’t pretty. I asked myself, ‘if I was to die today what mark would I have left on the planet?’ My answer was ‘not much.’ Aside from a huge amount of waste, both refuse and biological, the only thing I have done to possibly make an impact is to sire two children. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are great but they are their own beings and the fact that I provided half of their DNA is no claim to fame regardless of what they do in their lifetimes.
At age 40 many people have at least made a difference in other people’s lives. I have not. I have contributed to the country’s gross domestic product over the last 20 years. I have approved a few loans, sold a few cars and mortgages in my lifetime but what have I really accomplished? Some people say a man should be measured by his friends. Sadly I have failed on that front too. My friends are few and far between. My friends from high school and college are mostly memories and making friends since has been either futile or wrought with poor decisions on who to befriend. The net result is that when things go awry I have no one to talk to outside of my family. My wife is great, and she is a good listener but outside of her I really do not have any meaningful friendships.
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