Introspection

Introspection
40 Years ago tomorrow a homemaker originally from England and a mechanical engineer from New Jersey had their first child. Seven years later the engineer was diagnosed with Melanoma, a sometimes deadly form of skin cancer. Where he got the cancer was open to speculation but the fact that he had been working for GE as a nuclear refueling engineer certainly may have been at least partially to blame. When he was diagnosed with cancer, the engineer set a few goals he wanted to achieve before he died. He set up trust funds for his children in order to provide them with the opportunity to get a good college education. He learned to ride a bicycle because growing up he had never done so. His final goal was to get a US President to address the commencement class of his alma mater, Kings Point Merchant Marine Academy. Kings Point was the only US Service academy that has never been bestowed that honor and the engineer wanted to show his children that one man can make a difference. Then President Gerald Ford was unable to address the Kings Point class of 1976 due to a prior engagement and in July of that year the engineer died leaving his wife and two children in suburban Connecticut. He was Thirty two at the time and seemingly had his whole life ahead of him.

My memories of my father are few. I can still recall watching him ride a Raleigh 3 speed bike around the Tabernacle in Oak Bluffs, MA on Martha’s Vineyard. I wish I had more memories of my father and I wish he was able to accomplish his goal because today, 32 years later, I am left with the feeling that one man can’t make a difference unless everything falls into place perfectly. Hard work and a good plan are not enough. I still admire my father for trying. I admire him because he knew he was dying and yet he placed others ahead of himself. I have always tried to put others ahead of me but I am not sure it has worked out quite the way I thought it would.

Tomorrow I turn 40. I didn’t think much of it as it approached but this morning I awoke at 5:00am, long before my alarm clock usually wakes me up. I lay awake in bed beside my sleeping wife and I began taking stock of my life. It wasn’t pretty. I asked myself, ‘if I was to die today what mark would I have left on the planet?’ My answer was ‘not much.’ Aside from a huge amount of waste, both refuse and biological, the only thing I have done to possibly make an impact is to sire two children. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are great but they are their own beings and the fact that I provided half of their DNA is no claim to fame regardless of what they do in their lifetimes.

At age 40 many people have at least made a difference in other people’s lives. I have not. I have contributed to the country’s gross domestic product over the last 20 years. I have approved a few loans, sold a few cars and mortgages in my lifetime but what have I really accomplished? Some people say a man should be measured by his friends. Sadly I have failed on that front too. My friends are few and far between. My friends from high school and college are mostly memories and making friends since has been either futile or wrought with poor decisions on who to befriend. The net result is that when things go awry I have no one to talk to outside of my family. My wife is great, and she is a good listener but outside of her I really do not have any meaningful friendships.